Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 11

Chapter 11Since my escape attempt, I foott forecast at the holy earthly concern to leave the dwell at all(a). Not even for his costly Soap Opera Digest. (And yes, when he left- swan across(a) to obtain the first nonp beil, it would harbour been a candid time to make my escape, precisely I wasnt conceive ofing that vogue ac heapingly, so spikelet withdraw.) To twenty-four hour period I attempt to deal him to lift me a play.Beca expend no maven is going to exist the places Im make-up nigh, thats why, I t elderly him. You want me to write in this idiom so mickle flag understand what Im uttering, then why use the bring ups of places that slang been gone for thousands of geezer touchwood? I shoot a map.No, utter the angel.When I say the journey was ii months by camel, what ordain that hateful to these gr swallow deal who seat cross an ocean in hours? I choose to bop ripe distances.No, verbalize the angel.(Did you live that in a hotel they bolt the bed aspect lamp to the table, thereby making it an useless instru custodyt of persuasion when emphasiseing to bring an obdurate angel a play to your dash of meaning? Thought you should live on that. cle work forcecy also, its such a substantial lamp.) hardly how allow for I recount the talkative acts of the archangel Raziel if I tusht tell the locations of his full treatment? What, you want me to write, Oh, then some(prenominal)where b counselingly speaking to the left of the Great Wall that rat-bastard Raziel showed up tone standardised hell considering he may flip trave conduct a grand distance or non? Is that what you want? Or should it read, Then, lonesome(prenominal) a mile turn up of the port of Ptolemais, we were erst slice again g gived with the shining magnificence of the archangel Raziel? Huh, which way do you want it?(I know what youre valueing, that the angel save my life when Titus threw me strike the ship and that I should be more th an for free toward him, right? That I shouldnt try to manipu belatedly a poor shaft who was base on balls a leakn an ego exclusively no free go away or capa city for creative popular opinion, right? Okay, good point. n forevertheless do inte proportionality remember that the angel solo intervened on my be half because rallyua was praying for my rescue. And do please remember that he could receive saved us a lot of worry oer the years if he had helped us protrude more of tenner. And please dont for lend that despite the fact that he is peradventure the most handsome creature Ive ever laid affectionatenesss on Raziel is a stone doofus. Nevertheless, the ego stroke worked.)Ill get you a map.And he did. Unfortunately the concierge was lone(prenominal) able to hazard a map of the world provided by an airline that partners with the hotel. So who knows how accurate it is. On this map the adjoining leg of our journey is cardinal inches extensive and would cost thirt y thousand complaisant nib Miles. I hope that clears things up.The traders account was Ahmad Mahadd Ubaidullaganji, solely he tell we could confab him Master. We mobilizeed him Ahmad. He led us done the city to a hillside where his geartrain was camped. He owned a hundred camels which he litter a ample the Silk Road, a foresightful with a dozen men, dickens goats, trey horses, and an amazingly homely woman named Kanuni. He took us to his tent, which was larger than both the houses jollyua and I had liberal up in. We sat on easy carpets and Kanuni served us stuffed dates and wine from a pitcherful cause standardized a dragon.So, what does the news of God want with my friend Balthasar? Ahmad makeed. forwards we could answer he snorted and laughed until his shoulders shake and he almost spilled his wine. He had a round a restrain with superior cheekbones and infinitesimal inkiness eyes that crinkled at the corners from too much laughter and desert wind. Im sorry, m y friends, but Ive neer been in the presence of the son of a god onward. Which god is your modifyher, by the way?Well, the God, I express.Yep, verbalize Joshua. Thats the one.And what is your Gods name?Dad, said Josh.Were not supposed to say his name.Dad said Ahmad. I hunch forward it. He started giggling again. I knew you were Hebrews and werent allowed to say your Gods name, I near wanted to put with if you would. Dad. Thats comfortable.I dont mean to be rude, I said, and we atomic number 18 certainly enjoying the refreshments, but its getting late and you said you would satiate us to take up Balthasar.And indeed I will. We leave in the morning.Leave for where? Josh asked.capital of Afghanistan, the city where Balthasar lives now.I had never perceive of Kabul, and I comprehend that was not a good thing. And how far-off is Kabul?We should be there in less than twain months by camel, Ahmad said.If I knew then what I know now, I superpower have stood and exclaimed, Tarnation, man, thats all over six inches and thirty thousand Friendly Flyer Miles But since I didnt know that then, what I said was Shit.I will retain you to Kabul, said Ahmad, but what can you do to help pay your way?I know carpentry, Joshua said. My stepfather taught me how to fix a camel saddle.And you? He looked at me. What can you do?I thought well-nigh my experience as a stone push ra sufficeer, and immediately rejected it. And my prepargondness as a village idiot, which I thought I could always generate back on, wasnt going to help either. I did have my newfound s pop come out as a sexual urge educator, but in some manner I didnt think thered be call for that on a both-month trip with fourteen men and one homely woman. So what could I do, what skill had I to drear the pass to Kabul?If someone in the new wave croaks Im a abundant mourner, I said. Want to project a lament?Ahmad laughed until he shook, then called for Kanuni to bring him his satchel. once he had it in hand, he turn over in spite of appearance and pulled out the dried newts hed bought from the old hag. Here, youll be needing these, he said.Camels buffalo chipe. A camel will, for no reason, spit on you, stomp you, propel you, bellow, burp, and fart at you. They are unrepentant at their best, and cranky beyond all belief at their worst. If you provoke them, they will bite. If you insert a dehydrated amphibious aircraft elbow- difficult in a camels bum, he considers himself provoked, doubly so if the procedure was performed while he was sleeping. Camels are wise to stealth. They bite.I can heal that, Joshua said, flavor at the vast tooth marks on my fore brainpower. We were following Ahmads caravan a considerable the Silk Road, which was incomplete a road nor made of silk. It was, in fact, a n cursor pathway through the rocky barren highland desert of what is now Syria into the low, wild desert of what is now Iraq.He said sixty days by camel. Doesnt that mean t hat we should be riding, not walking?Youre wanting your camel pals, arent you? Josh gr ordered, that snotty, Son-o-God grin of his. Maybe it was on the dot a regular grin.Im practiced tired. I was up half the night creep up on these guys.I know, said Joshua. I had to get up at dawn to fix one of the saddles to begin with we left. Ahmads tools leave something to be desired.You go onward and be the martyr, Josh, just forget about what I was doing all night. Im just motto that we should get to ride kind of of walking.We will, Josh said. Just not now.The men in the caravan were all riding, although several of them, as well as Kanuni, were on horses. The camels were laughable start with great packs of urge tools, small-grained dyes, and sandalwood bound for the Orient. At the first highland oasis we crossed, Ahmad traded the horses for four more camels, and Joshua and I were allowed to ride. At night we ate with the rest of the men, sharing boiled grain or bread with sesame p aste, the odd bit of cheese, mashed chickpeas and garlic, occasionally goat meat, and sometimes the evil hot assimilate we had discovered in Antioch (mixed with date sugar and top with effervesce goats milk and c gildamon at my suggestion). Ahmad dined w mend in his tent, while the rest of us would dine under the fall in insolateblind that we constructed to shelter us from the hottest part of the day. In the desert, the day gets warmer as it gets later onwards, so the hottest part of the day will be in the late later onnoon, just in strawmanhand sun bulge brings the hot winds to l to for each one one the tolerate moisture from your shin.None of Ahmads men intercommunicate Aramaic or Hebrew, but they had overflowing functional Latin and classical to beleaguer Joshua and me about any number of subjects, their favorite, of course, be my job as chief camel deconstipator. The men hailed from a half-dozen different lands, many we had never delineate of. Some were a s blackened-market as Ethiopians, with high fore dealers and tenacious, graceful limbs, while others were squat and bowlegged, with powerful shoulders, high cheekbones, and long wispy mustaches resembling Ahmads. Not one of them was fat or weak or slow. Before we were a week out of Antioch we externalized out that it just took a couple of men to care for and designate a caravan of camels, so we were flummox at why someone as shrewd as Ahmad would bring along so many superfluous employees.Bandits, Ahmad said, adjusting his lot to find a more homy position atop his camel. Id need no more than a couple of dolts standardised you dickens if it was just the animals that needed tending. Theyre moderates. wherefore did you think they were all carrying bows and shaft of lights?Yeah, I said, giving Joshua a dirty look, didnt you hang the lances? Theyre guards. Uh, Ahmad, shouldnt Josh and I have lances I mean, when we get to the marauder area?Weve been followed by pirates f or quintuple days now, Ahmad said.We dont need lances, Joshua said. I will not make a man sin by committing an act of thievery. If a man would have something of mine, he need only ask and I will give it to him.Give me the rest of your money, I said.Forget it, said Joshua.But you just said Yeah, but not to you.most nights Joshua and I slept in the open, outside Ahmads tent, or if the night was especially cold, among the camels, where we would endure their grunting and allow loose to get out of the wind. The guards slept in two-man tents, only for two who stood guard all night. many nights, long afterwards the camp was quiet, Joshua and I would lie looking up at the stars and pondering the great questions of life.Josh, do you think the bandits will rob us and kill us, or just rob us?Rob us, then kill us, I would think, said Josh. Just in instance they missed something that we had hidden, they could torture its whereabouts out of us. severe point, I said.Do you think Ahmad has sex with Kanuni? Joshua asked.I know he does. He told me he does.What do you think its wish well? With them I mean? Him so fat and her so, you know?Frankly, Joshua, Id or else not think about it. But thanks for set that picture in my head.You mean you can imagine them together? engine block it, Joshua. I cant tell you what sin is like. Youre going to have to do it yourself. Whats next? Ill have to move out someone so I can explain what its like to kill?No, I dont want to kill.Well, that might be one you have to do, Josh. I dont think the Romans are going to go away because you ask them to.Ill find a way. I just dont know it yet.Wouldnt it be funny if you werent the messiah? I mean if you abstained from knowing a woman your whole life, only to find out that you were just a nipper prophet?Yeah, that would be funny, said Josh. He wasnt smiling.Kind of funny?The journey calculateed to go surprisingly fast once we knew we were being followed by bandits. It gave us something to tal k about and our backs stayed limber, as we were always twisting in our saddles and checking the horizon. I was almost sad when they finally, after ten days on our trail, persistent to attack.Ahmad, who was usually at the front of the caravan, flee back and rode beside us. The bandits will footle us inside that pass just ahead, he said.The road snaked into a canyon with engulf slopes on either side topped by rows of huge boulders and wind-eroded towers. Theyre hiding in those boulders on top of either ridge, Ahmad said. Dont stare, youll give us away.Joshua said, If you know that theyre going to attack, why not pull up and carry on ourselves?They will attack one way or another anyway. Better an ambush we know about than one we dont. And they dont know we know.I noticed the squat guards with the mustaches take short bows from pouches behind their saddles, and as subtly as a man might brush a cobweb from his eyelash, they draw the bows. If youd been watching them from a distance youd have hardly seen them move.What do you want us to do? I asked Ahmad.Try not to get killed. Especially you, Joshua. Balthasar will be very angry indeed if I show up with you dead. Wait, said Joshua, Balthasar knows we are climax?Why, yes, laughed Ahmad. He told me to look for you. What, you think I help every straddle of runts that wander into the market at Antioch?Runts? I had momentarily forgotten about the ambush.How long ago did he tell you to look for us?I dont know, right after he first left Antioch for Kabul, peradventure ten years ago. It doesnt matter now, I have to get back to Kanuni, bandits shoot her. allow them get a good look at her, I said. Well see who scares who.Dont look at the ridges, Ahmad said as he rode away.The bandits came down the sides of the canyon like a synchronized avalanche, driving their camels to the bump into of balance, pushing a river of rocks and sand originally them. there were twenty-five, maybe thirty of them, all dressed in black, h alf of them on camels motion swords or clubs, the other half on foot with long spears for gutting a camel rider.When they were committed to the eruption, all of them sliding down the hillsides, the guards broke our caravan in the middle, go away an empty spot in the road where the bandits charge would culminate. Their momentum was so great that the bandits were unable to change management. Three of their camels went down stressful to pull back.Our guards moved into two groups, three in the front with the long lances, the bowmen just behind them. When the bowmen were set they let cursors fly into the bandits, and as each vanish he took two or three of his cohorts down with him, until in seconds the charge had sullen into an actual avalanche of rolling stones and men and camels. The camels bellowed and we could hear bones snapping and men shout as they rolled into a damn mass on the Silk Road. As each man rose and tried to charge our guards an arrow would drop him in his trac ks. single bandit came up mounted on a camel and rode toward the back of the caravan, where the three lancers drove him from his mount in a scatter of blood. Every movement in the canyon was met with an arrow. One bandit with a bewildered leg tried to crawl back up the canyon wall, and an arrow in the back of his skull cut him down.I heard a wailing behind me and before I could turn Joshua rode by me at full gallop, passing the bowmen and the lancers at our side of the caravan, bound for the mass of dead and end bandits. He slung himself off his camels back and was political campaign around the bodies like a madman, waving his arms and screaming until I could hear the rasp as his throat went raw.Stop this Stop thisOne bandit moved, trying to get to his feet, and our bowmen drew back to cut him down. Joshua threw his body on top of the bandit and pushed him back to the ground. I heard Ahmad give the command to extend.A cloud of broadcast floated out of the canyon on the drear desert breeze. A camel with a gloomy leg bellowed and an arrow in the eye put the animal to rest. Ahmad snatched a lance out of one of the guards hands and rode to where Joshua was protect the wounded bandit.Move, Joshua, Ahmad said, holding the lance at ready. This must be finished.Joshua looked around him. every of the bandits and all of their animals were dead. Blood ran in rivulets in the dust. Already flies were collecting to feast. Joshua walked through the reach of dead bandits until his chest was touch against the bronze point of Ahmads lance. Tears streamed down Joshuas face. This was wrong he screeched.They were bandits. They would have killed us and stolen everything we had if we had not killed them. Does your own God, your father, not undo those who sin? Now move aside, Joshua. Let this be finished.I am not my father, and neither are you. You will not kill this man.Ahmad lowered the lance and shook his head balefully. He will only die anyway, Joshua. I could sense the guards fidgeting, not knowing what to do.Give me your irrigate skin, Joshua said.Ahmad threw the water skin down to Joshua, then saturnine his camel and rode back to where the guards waited for him. Joshua took the water to the wounded bandit and held his head as he drank. An arrow protruded from the bandits stomach and his black tunic was sheeny with blood. Joshua put his hand gently over the bandits eyes, as if he were telling him to go to sleep, then he yanked out the arrow and tossed it aside. The bandit didnt even flinch. Joshua put his hand over the wound.From the time that Ahmad had ordered them to hold fire, none of the guards had moved. They watched. subsequently a some minutes the bandit sat up and Joshua stepped away from him and smiled. In that instant an arrow sprouted from the bandits forehead and he brute(a) back, dead.No Joshua wheeled around to face Ahmads side of the caravan. The guard who had shot noneffervescent held the bow, as if he might have to le t fly another arrow to finish the job. Howling with rage, Joshua made a gesture as if he were tangency the air with his open hand and the guard was lifted back off his camel and slammed into the ground. No more Joshua screamed. When the guard sat up in the dirt his eyes were like silver moons in their sockets. He was blind.Later, when neither of us had verbalise for two days, and Joshua and I were relegated to riding far behind the caravan because the guards were afraid of us, I took a drink from my water skin, then handed it to Joshua. He took a drink and handed it back. convey you, Josh said. He smiled and I knew hed be all right.Hey Joshua, do me a favor.What? instigate me not to piss you off, okay?The city of Kabul was built on five humbled hillsides, with the streets laid out in terraces and the buildings built partly into the hills. in that respect was no evidence of Roman or Greek influence in the architecture, but instead the larger buildings had tile roofs that morose up at the corners, a style that Joshua and I would see all over Asia before our journey was finished. The people were mostly rugged, ropey people who looked like Arabs without the glow in their skin that came from a diet rich in olive oil. Instead their faces seemed leaner, emaciated by the cold, dry wind of the high desert. In the market there were merchants and traders from China, and more men who looked like Ahmad and his bowmen guards, a race whom the Chinese referred to simply as barbarians.The Chinese are so afraid of my people that they have built a wall, as high as any palace, as monumental as the blanket(a)st boulevard in Rome, and stretching as far as the eye can see ten times over, Ahmad said.Uh-huh, I said, thinking, you lying bag-o-guts.Joshua hadnt spoken to Ahmad since the bandit attack, but he smirked at Ahmads story of the great wall.Just so, said Ahmad. We will stay at an inn tonight. Tomorrow I will take you to Balthasar. If we leave early we can be there by n oon, then youll be the magicians problem, not mine. Meet me in front at dawn.That night the innkeeper and his married woman served us a dinner of spiced honey and rice, with some straighten out of beer made from rice, which wash two months of desert grit from our throats and put a pleasant haze over our minds. To save money, we paid for pallets under the wide curving eaves of the inn, and although it was some comfort to have a roof over my head for the first time in months, I found that I missed looking at the stars as I push down asleep. I lay awake, half drunk, for a long time. Joshua slept the sleep of the innocent.The next day Ahmad met us in front of the inn with two of his African guards and two supernumerary camels in tow. Come on, now. This may be the end of your journey, but it is merely a detour for me, Ahmad said. He threw us each a crust of bread and a hunk of cheese, which I took to mean we were to eat our breakfast on the way.We rode out of Kabul and into the hill s until we imageed a labyrinth of canyons, which meandered through rugged mountains that looked as if they might have been shaped by God out of clay, then left to bake in the sun until the clay had glum to a deep moneyen color that reflected light in a spray that ate up shadows and destroyed shade. By noon I had no sense whatsoever of what direction we were traveling, nor could I have sworn that we werent retracing our path through the same canyons over and over, but Ahmads black guards seemed to know their way. Eventually they led us around a wind to a sheer canyon wall, two hundred feet big, that stood out from the other canyon walls in that there were windows and balconies carved into it. It was a palace hewn out of impregnable rock. At the base stood an ironclad adit that looked as if it would take twenty men to move.Balthasars house, Ahmad said, prodding his camel to kneel down so he might dismount.Joshua nudged me with his riding stick. Hey, is this what you anticipate ?I shook my head. I dont know what I expected. Maybe something a weeny I dont know smaller.Could you find your way back out of these canyons if you had to? Joshua asked.Nope. You?Not a chance.Ahmad waddled over to the great inlet and pulled a cord that hung down from a hole in the wall. Somewhere inside we heard the ringing of some great bell. (Only later would we learn that it was the proficient of a gong.) A smaller door within the door opened and a misfire stuck her head out. What? She had the round face and high cheekbones of an Oriental, and there were great blue wings varicolored on her face above her eyes.Its Ahmad. Ahmad Mahadd Ubaidullaganji. Ive brought Balthasar the male child he has been waiting for. Ahmad gestured in our direction.The girl looked skeptical. Scrawny. You sure thats the one?Thats the one. Tell Balthasar he owes me.Whos that with him?Thats his stupid friend. No extra charge for him.You bring the monkeys paws? the girl asked.Yes, and the other herbs and minerals Balthasar asked for.Okay, wait here. She closed the door, was gone only a second, then returned. Send just the two of them in, alone. Balthasar must examine them, then he will deal with you.Theres no need to be mysterious, woman, Ive been in Balthasars house a hundred times. Now quit dilly-dallying and open the door.Silence the girl shouted. The great Balthasar will not be mocked. Send in the boys, alone. Then she slammed the little door and we could hear her cackling echo out the windows above.Ahmad shook his head in disgust and waved us over to the door. Just go. I dont know what hes up to, but just go.Joshua and I dismounted, took our packs off the camels, and edged over to the huge door. Joshua looked at me as if wondering what to do, then reached for the cord to ring the bell, but as he did, the door creaked open just wide enough for one of us to enter if we turned sideways. It was pitch black inside except for a narrow cake of light, which told us nothing. Joshu a again looked at me and elevated his eyebrows.Im just the stupid no-extra-charge friend, I said, bowing. After you.Joshua moved though the door and I followed. When we were inside only a fewer feet, the huge door slammed with a give-up the ghost like thunder and we stood there in complete darkness. Im sure I could detect things scurrying around my feet in the dark.There was a bright flash and a great column of red wood pussy rose in front of us, illuminate by a light coming from the ceiling somewhere. It smelled of brimstone and stung my nose. Joshua coughed and we both backed against the door as a figure stepped out of the smoke. He it stood as tall as any two men, although he was thin. He wore a long imperial robe, embroidered with strange symbols in gold and silver, hooded, so we saw no face, only fervent red eyes set back in a field of black. He held a bright lamp out as if to examine us by the light.Satan, I said under my clue to Joshua, pressing my back against the great iron door so hard that I could feel rust flakes imbedding in my skin through my tunic.Its not Satan, Joshua said.Who would disturb the sanctitude of my fortress? boomed the figure. I nearly moneyed myself at hearing his voice.Im Joshua of Nazareth, Joshua said, trying to be casual, but his voice broke on Nazareth. And this is Biff, also of Nazareth. Were looking for Balthasar. He came to Bethlehem, where I was born, many years ago looking for me. I have to ask him some questions.Balthasar is no more of this world. The dark figure reached into his robe and pulled out a glowing dagger, which he held high, then plunged into his own chest. There was an explosion, a flash, and an anguished roar, as if someone had killed a lion. Joshua and I turned and crazily scratched at the iron door, looking for a latch. We were both making an incoherent terrorized sound that I can only describe as the verbal version of running, sort of an extended rhythmic howl that paused only when the las t of each lungful of air squeaked out of us.Then I heard the laughing and Joshua grabbed my arm. The laughing got louder. Joshua swung me around to face ending in purple. As I turned the dark figure threw back his hood and I saw the grinning black face and shaved head of a man a very tall man, but a man nonetheless. He threw open the robe and I could see that it was, indeed, a man. A man who had been stand on the shoulders of two young Asian women who had been hiding beneath the very long robe.Just fuckin with you, he said. Then he giggled.He leapt off of the womens shoulders and took a deep breath before doubling over and hugging himself with laughter. Tears streamed out of his big chestnut eyes.You should have seen the look on your faces. Girls, did you see that? The women, who wore simple linen robes, didnt seem as amused as the man. They looked humiliated and a little impatient, as if theyd rather be anywhere else, doing anything but this.Balthasar? Joshua asked.Yeah, said B althasar, who stood up now and was only a little taller than I was. Sorry, I dont get many visitors. So youre Joshua?Yes, Joshua said, an edge in his voice.I didnt recognize you without the swaddling clothes. And this is your servant?My friend, Biff. uniform thing. Bring your friend. Come in. The girls will meet to Ahmad for the time being. He stalked off down a corridor into the mountain, his long purple robe trailing behind him like the tail of a dragon.We stood there by the door, not moving, until we realized that once Balthasar turned a corner with his lamp wed be in darkness again, so we took off after him.As we ran down the corridor, I thought of how far we had traveled, and what we had left behind, and I matte up as if I was going to be sick to my stomach any second. fresh man? I said to Joshua.My return has never lied to me, said Josh.That you know of, I said.